A few weeks ago, I found myself in a corner diner right behind an older couple. I watched them because it was very clear that they had been married for a long time. My guess is that they were in their 80s. He ordered her breakfast without asking a single question, because he simply knew what she wanted.
There was nothing dramatic or grand about any of it. He steadied her elbow as she slid into the booth, and she reached over and wiped a bit of jam from his chin like it was the most natural thing in the world. They barely said a word the whole time, and somehow they were saying everything.
I spent the entire drive home thinking about my marriage. That type of love isn’t luck or an accident. It is constructed slowly over time, day after day, and it made me ponder the little unspoken things that really do keep two people together for the long haul.
Believing the Best About Each Other on the Hard Days
If my husband forgets something or responds a little too sharply, I remind myself that he is tired, not a bad person. Assuming the best about each other is a game changer. Giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt takes care of the small offenses. Choosing the kinder interpretation is a really good way to avoid fights.
The Little Kindnesses That Outweigh Grand Gestures
I always thought love was about doing really big romantic acts. After being married for several years I know that love is shown in all the little things that people do. For instance, love is making coffee in the specific way that your spouse likes, or it’s about remembering to plug in their phone. Those little things add up to a life that feels really good to be loved in.
Never Letting a Kindness Go Unnoticed
Once something becomes a routine, it is all too easy to stop paying attention to the things your partner does. A small practice we made is to say thank you for the small and mundane things. Saying thank you helps keep both sides feeling appreciated instead of feeling like something that is taken for granted. No one wants to feel like they are doing unpaid work in their own house.
Learning to Argue Without Trying to Win
For years I treated every argument like something I had to win. Now I understand that winning the argument can cost you something far bigger. My focus shifted from being right to actually understanding where my husband is coming from. We argue to solve the problem together now, not to keep score.
The Argument That Should Never Follow You to Bed
Although we can’t promise to fix everything before the day ends, we do promise that we won’t let the anger freeze overnight. If we wake up to each other’s cold shoulders, we run the risk of it being a cold week. A lot of the time, all it takes to stop the distance between us is a small ‘We’re okay’ text before we go to sleep. After some good sleep, most problems don’t seem as bad.
Never Stop Dating the Person You Married
It’s easy to let date nights fade away as life gets busy. We protect ours, even if it is just coffee on the porch after the kids go to bed. You need to keep courting your spouse even if it’s not a new date every time. The two people you were in love with, still deserve some of your time.
The Small Touches That Say I Am Still Here
A hand on the back while passing in the kitchen, a quick kiss before work, holding hands out of pure habit. These small touches are the steady heartbeat of a marriage, and they say I still choose you without a single word. Sadly, when the touching fades, the drifting is usually not far behind.
The Couples That Last Are the Ones Still Laughing
It makes me happy to see couples embracing laughter together after so many years. There are many serious things in life, so enjoying it should be a priority. Being quick to be silly and slow to take offense helps put everyone in a good mood. There are periods in life that laughter gets you through that the same periods wouldn’t be bearable if you had to rely on tears only.
Loving Each Other Enough to Leave Room
To love someone means spending enough enjoyable time together to foster richness in the relationship, not the other extreme of being in each other’s faces constantly. It is perfectly healthy, and encouraged to have your own group of friends, hobbies, and interests. In fact, having time to breathe apart instead of holding each other all the time helps make the time spent together even better. A healthy marriage has enough space to support the two individual people, not one merged-together blob.
Running the House Like a Team, Not a Scoreboard
For a long time I kept track of all the work that each person did in the house. That kind of thinking poisons everything it touches. Now we treat the house like a team effort, helping each other out. If one of us is overwhelmed, the others jump in to help without waiting to be asked.
Being the First One to Say I Am Sorry
I used to think that being the first person to apologize meant losing. Now I see that it’s one of the most powerful things you can do. A fast, sincere apology can prevent a small fissure in a relationship from becoming a chasm. I doubt my pride has ever helped my marriage.
Listening to Understand, Not Just to Reply
For a long time, I listened only enough to be able to prepare my own response. Real listening tries to get at the full meaning of what your spouse is saying, especially with regard to the emotions they are communicating beneath the words. Sometimes they don’t want the problem to be solved; they want to be heard. One of our deepest needs is to be understood.
Never Saying an Unkind Word About Your Spouse to Others
When you are frustrated, it’s easy to vent about your husband or wife to your family or friends. Those words can linger long after you and your partner made up, and your marriage does not belong to the people you are venting to. We promised to protect each other’s names, especially when the other one is not in the room.
The Small Surprises That Keep Things From Going Stale
Small surprises can add excitement to a relationship and show each other they still care. Examples include leaving a little note in a lunch bag, grabbing a special treat from the store, or planning a surprise. These things demonstrate that you are still thinking of each other during the everyday routines. Little gestures like these cost very little but can mean so much.
Building a Life You Both Actually Want
Initially, we just guessed we had the same desires, and as such, we never discussed it. It wasn’t until we learned to articulate our dreams that our perspective changed. When both of you are working towards the same goal, it makes the effort a lot easier. A common goal combines two separate paths into one shared journey.
Being Honest About Money Before It Becomes a Fight
When couples argue, money is one of the top reasons why. We were no different. The solution was simple, just tell the truth about money, early and often. No surprise purchases, no secret accounts, no ugly surprises at the worst moments. Being honest about money is no different from any other type of honesty.
Learning to Let the Small Things Go
I win the award for the most petty grievances. Learning to let go of the petty issues has saved my marriage multiple times. Not all annoyances actually deserve an entire conversation. Reserve your actual energy for the things that really do matter.
Cheering the Loudest for Each Other’s Dreams
Being truly believed in is one of the greatest feelings a person can experience. For that reason, we do our best to be each other’s most passionate supporters, even for the most out there ideas. Supporting the spouse’s dream is practically free, yet gives her or him the entire world. No treasure can buy a believing partner.
Putting the Marriage First, Even Before the Kids
It feels natural, and sometimes even necessary when children are born, to put all focus on them and neglect your spouse. However, one of the best things you can do for your kids is to show them that you and your spouse are still in love. We purposefully protect our marriage, even on the days it feels selfish. That is because a strong couple is the base that all the family should stand on.
Growing Together Instead of Slowly Drifting Apart
People change a lot over time, and that is a fact of life. The real skill is in growing in parallel, not drifting apart. We remain interested in who the other is becoming. The person I married is not the same person I am married to now, and I love them more for it.
Standing Side by Side When Life Gets Hard
It is easy to love someone as long as everything is going well. True challenges arise with job loss, health issues, and other problems that can really test the strength of your relationship. At these difficult times, we learned to confront the problems together instead of turning against each other. Tough times can either cause a couple to split, or bond them together permanently.
Staying Best Friends Through All of It
Although we fulfil the roles of husband, wife, and parent, underneath it all, we are just best friends. We would rather spend a boring Tuesday together than a fun evening out with anyone else. That friendship really is the foundation when the romance comes and goes. Marry someone you like as well as love.
Choosing Each Other Again Every Single Day
Most people think marriage is just one decision you make at an altar and then everything is done for you, but that’s not it at all. Love is an everyday decision, some days it’s easier than others, and some days it’s really hard. And on those really hard days, you and your partner still intentionally choose to love one another. That is the secret, the fact that each one of you chooses to love the other person every single day, for decades.
