“A good man will tell you that he loves you.” Grandma’s words drifted across the room and I paused on my ascent up the stepladder. They were the first meaningful words she’d spoken today. We’d been working to repaint her kitchen for the last several Saturdays. Gallons of watery coffee had been imbibed, windows taped, coats of primer laid. Now we were on the final stretch. She laid out the drop cloths before I got there. I sanded the cabinet doors and painted the walls.
I turned around on the ladder, balanced, and listened. She rarely gave me unsolicited advice. Usually it was after I asked for help with some dilemma and after a long contemplative silence, she’d respond. But before my wedding, Grandma made a concerted effort to share her pearls of wisdom, though never in a sit-down-I-have-things-to-tell-you-about-marriage kind of way. Instead, they were embedded in short anecdotes about Grandpa that illustrated her point.
Paintbrush poised and dripping, I climbed down and pulled a chair over to Grandma’s. She continued.
A good man shows up when he says he will
She laid out the drop cloths before I got there. Punctuality for small things indicates how that person will treat larger commitments, Grandma told me. A man who leaves the dishes in the sink every night isn’t going to shovel the widowed neighbor’s sidewalk when it snows. He’s not going to help an elderly man with his groceries either.
A decent man considers his word as good, whether it’s a promise to be over to a neighbor’s house after lunch or give someone a ride to the store.
Watch how he treats people who cannot help him
Her lessons about character had nothing to do with grand gestures. Grandpa helped the man with his groceries expecting nothing in return. It wasn’t about chivalry either. It was about character. Grandma said to pay attention to how a man treats those who hold no power and couldn’t benefit him, waiters and cashiers and clerks and children and strangers. How he treats those who can’t impress him or bring him closer to promotion or power. Grandma wasn’t impressed by charm.
He fixes what he breaks and shows the apology
When he was alive, Grandma told me about the time Grandpa bumped a cabinet in their kitchen with his chair, dislodging the door. Nothing catastrophic. Grandma could’ve fixed it herself. But that evening when Grandpa got home from work, he had with him a screwdriver and fixed it.
Grandma said it meant he was thinking of her in the midst of his own day. That he noticed the door was amiss. That he knew how to fix it and cared enough to learn how if he hadn’t. That he wanted their life together to go smoothly. A good man will tell you when he’s wrong, she said one Saturday. Apologies matter. But it’s what he does with his apology that matters, as he makes it right.
Quiet is not the same as cold
I thought of how quiet Grandpa was. Grandma compensated, being talkative and animated. Some might say Grandpa was cold, but he wasn’t. Grandma knew. Before she was tired, he’d come into the kitchen and sit with her.
He might not talk a lot but he’s always paying attention to you. He knows when you’re tired before you say it. That’s where you see if he cares or not by what he does. He might be taciturn but he’s always present.
He asks about your day and waits for the real answer
He’d come home from work and ask how her day had been and then shut up and listen. He wanted to know and not to lead into his own day. Grandma was the majority of Grandpa’s world and he’d come home from work and make sure.
My husband remembers small things I tell him, stuff that happens in the ether of a Tuesday, repeated to him in passing. It’ll be a week later. I’ll mention something seemingly random, and he’ll connect the two. Grandma always said to ask him about something you told him a week ago and see if he remembers.
He does not need an audience to be kind
He’ll shovel for the widow on your block. Grandma’s husband, my grandfather, would get up before dawn to clear the widow’s walkway for years. Grandma had no idea. He never mentioned it either. Grandma found out when she ran into the neighbor at the grocery store. That’s who he was.
This is the sort of goodness that impresses me, not performative acts of charity in front of witnesses but simple decency when no one’s keeping score.
He tells the truth about money and does not spend to impress
My grandparents tracked their household income and expenditures on a kitchen ledger. Grandma warned me to watch out for guys who spend big at the beginning and dodge paying for the check. They didn’t have much, but they always knew where they stood.
A good man will be honest with you about his finances, no matter how little there is.
He knows how to lose an argument
A good man will tell you when he’s wrong. My grandfather admitted when he was wrong. He wasn’t confrontational, so when they disagreed about something he’d tell her if she was right. Grandma conceded right away during our kitchen chat when I pointed out we disagreed about the color of the paint. She wasn’t going to prolong the moment. It would have been beneath her.
If a man can’t admit to losing a small argument gracefully, he will try to turn every argument into a fight.
He is decent to your friends and wants you to keep them
He’ll encourage you to have friends. My grandfather encouraged Grandma to have friends. He kept track of Grandma’s friends’ names, children’s names, interests, careers. He was a taciturn man who was keenly observant. He could see Grandma’s friends meant something to her and he liked that.
Grandma cautioned me to watch out for men who isolate their wives from their friends. That’s on purpose and it’s not because they’re too in love with you to let you leave their sides, Grandma said.
He does housework without calling it help
He’ll help around the house and won’t consider he’s helping you. He helped around the house, did the dishes. He considered those his obligations, his contribution to their home, not favors he did for his wife that warranted applause.
Grandma scoffed when I told her a guy I knew bragged about doing the family’s laundry. That’s what husbands do, Grandma told me. That’s what partners do.
He is the same man at home as in public
Grandma knew a guy who was charming and funny. He made women laugh and women flocked to him. People adored him. He treated Grandma rudely at a neighborhood event. Later, this funny, charming, delightful guy treated his wife cruelly. He wasn’t himself at home, behind closed doors where no one could see.
My grandfather’s greatest asset was his boringness. Grandma appreciated that he was the same person on a picnic as he was in their kitchen.
He can handle you being upset without getting mean
I was getting ready to get married and I had been irritable all morning. It was a Saturday in the spring and Grandma excused my behavior because she knew what it was like to be young and stressed. She pulled a chair out from under the counter for me and we talked for an hour.
He’ll leave you alone if you’re pissed. My grandfather never retaliated if Grandma was feeling blue, stressed, or short-tempered with him. He let Grandma vent, picked up the slack, went about his day. A man’s reaction to your worst mood is much more revealing than his reaction to your best.
He keeps small promises and remembers what matters to you
Trust is built on little promises kept, not on grand gestures. The next morning after grandpa said he’d hang an apron hook by the door, there it was, grandma said. During the wintertime, grandpa would climb under grandma’s side of the covers just for a minute. He knew that she hated cold feet.
A good man will remember your likes and fulfill small promises because he’s been listening all along.
He treats his mother well but is not run by her
Her marriage to Grandpa survived when her relationship with his mother did not. Be careful dating a man who has little regard for his mother. At the same time, a man needs to set boundaries with his parents when he marries.
Grandma and grandpa treated grandpa’s mom with respect, but they’d made it clear that interference in their marriage was not welcome. You want a man who honors his mother, but values his wife and protects his marriage.
He tells you how he feels and speaks well of you to others
A good man will tell you that he loves you. He’ll tell you he’s glad to be coming home at night. Grandpa wasn’t a man of many words, grandma said. I’ve been married many years now and it’s true. He tells me. It’s not lost on me and I don’t take it for granted.
Remember this one. A neighbor told grandma that grandpa spoke highly of her and her cooking. She told me that meant more to her than anything he could have said to her face.
He is patient with slow people and honest about what he does not know
Not knowing something isn’t shameful. Not admitting it is. Patience goes hand in hand with humility. Grandpa had a patience with little ones. With old folks who needed more time to get places. With anyone who didn’t measure up to society’s ideal.
I remembered sitting in grandma’s kitchen while grandpa tied knots, teaching me over and over without losing his patience. How important it is to admit ignorance. To know that there’s so much we don’t know.
He shows up for the boring things
I think of boring days often enough because boring days make up the majority of my life. Excitement is wonderful but I’m grateful for boring. And for the person beside me during the boredom.
Married couples should be able to endure boring stuff together. Grandpa could endure grandma’s endless lists of to-dos around the house. Going to mundane school functions. Getting on a ladder when it was necessary, sitting through family functions that went on way too long. Most days will be mundane and a good man will be okay with that. He’ll be there and present.
By the time I’d gotten up off my knees and brushed off my jeans, grandma’s list of qualities had grown longer than the ones I remember, because those are the qualities that still shine brightest in my mind. When I think about my husband washing dishes without being asked, or admitting when he’s wrong, I think of this story.
The world is full of exciting, charming, witty, talented, and generous men. But grandma wasn’t impressed by any of them, and neither am I. She saw character where others didn’t look for it. In the details. In the everyday. In the mundane.
