When my first grandchild was born, I became a grandmother and an apology, both at once. Because the moment they laid that baby in my arms, forty years of my own grandparents’ behavior suddenly made complete sense.
All the things I took for granted, made fun of, or just never noticed lined up and introduced themselves. Oh, I kept thinking. Oh, that is what that was.
This list is my confession and my thank-you note, written about thirty years too late for them to read it. Here are twenty-five things I did not appreciate about my grandparents until I became one.
How Tired They Must Have Been
It takes me a day to recover after a weekend with my grandchildren, and I remember my grandmother hosting five of us for the whole summer. She was way older than I am now. She cooked three meals every single day in a hot kitchen and never once said anything about getting tired. I really thought she had ton of energy. She just had a private spot to be exhausted.
The Sound of Us Arriving
I would always visit family because I believed they enjoyed the ‘company’, until I heard my own doorbell. My whole chest lit up before my brain realized what was happening. Now I know what our station wagon pulling into their driveway did to their hearts. Nobody has been as happy to see me since, and I did not notice until I became the glad one.
Letting Us Win at Cards
My grandfather was an intelligent card player who would lose to nine-year-olds. As a young child with my grandfather’s guidance, I learned the ropes quickly and believed I had talent. Last month I folded a winning rummy hand so my granddaughter could go out, and I finally saw the whole trick. Losing on purpose without getting caught is a tough art and he spent decades perfecting it.
The Money in the Birthday Card Was Not Extra
The five dollars diligently placed in every card looked like money from the bottomless grandparent account. I now realize the account was called doing without something themselves. They were on fixed incomes we never considered as children because they made sure we never did. This year I have skipped things my grandchildren will never know about, and now I understand the arithmetic.
How Much Planning Went Into Spontaneous Fun
Unexpected picnics, surprise fishing trips, even the perfectly timed baking supplies. For years I thought that kind of spontaneity only happened at their house. Now I buy groceries, check the weather forecast three days in advance, and even charge the batteries so my grandchildren can spontaneously have the time of their lives. Goes to show that most of the magic in the world is logistics performed by someone who adores you well in advance.
Why They Watched Us Instead of the Television
Whatever we were doing, coloring, fighting, eating breakfast cereal, they would just watch. It was like we were being observed for some form of entertainment. It creeped me out as a kid. Now I catch myself staring at my grandson while he does absolutely nothing remarkable, and I cannot look away. When you can see the whole arc of a life, watching the beginning of one is the best show ever aired.
The Repeated Stories Were Invitations
The same six stories were told on rotation by grandpa, and we all rolled our eyes in synchronization. Now I’ve caught myself in my own story rotation. From the other side of the story, I’ve learned the essence of the stories is not the delivery of the narrative, but the hand extended backward, hoping somebody will ask one question and stay a while.
Why They Cried When We Left
Standing in the driveway, my grandmother seemed to forget herself and begin to dab at her eyes. I thought she was being a little dramatic. We were only going to be gone for two weeks. Of course, being older, she probably thought about how many visits she had left and every number short of infinity is certainly not enough. Now, standing in my own driveway waving, that two weeks feels like an eternity.
The House Kept Frozen for Us
The toy drawer was still there, the booster seat stayed in the closet, our heights stayed marked on the door frame when we eventually returned. I assumed the house was just like that. It was more like the house was curated. Maintained almost like a museum of us between openings. My spare room is currently a shrine to people who visit six times a year, and I regret nothing.
How Fast They Said Yes to Babysitting
Any hour, any notice, even with sick kids, the answer was always yes, before the question was even complete. I assumed they had a free schedule and that was why they were always able to reschedule so easily. Apparently they ranked us above everything else, permanently. I’ve missed out on a lot of appointments I waited many months for, because a small voice asked if I could come over. Worth it every single time.
The Aches They Never Mentioned
My grandmother used to play on the floor with the grandkids. Getting up came with one small sound, and that was the only testimony her joints ever gave. Now my own joints make that brief report. I conceal the wincing in the name of the moment, and because worry travels downhill to the people you love. Probably half of grandparenting is managing pain without commentary.
Front Row at Everything
Every recital, every game, every graduation, there they were, dressed up for events that were honestly terrible. Two hours of squeaking clarinets is a long donation. I have now sat through my share of kindergarten musicals, beaming like it was Carnegie Hall. You are not there for the show, you are there to be a face in the crowd that belongs to them.
They Loved Our Parents Too
I never realized how they must have been our grandparents and parents at the same time. Even back then, they must have been slipping our parents money in the tough years, and biting their tongues about the choices they made. The way things are now, I must do both, grandparenting their children while parenting adults. The family love org chart must have a lot of lines. A kid cannot possibly see them all.
Biting Their Tongue About How We Were Raised
I learned decades later from her sister that my grandmother had her opinions on how my siblings and I were being brought up. We never heard a single word of it. She decided that it is better to be present over being right and she paid that toll every single visit. I, too, have decided to hold my tongue about screen time and sugar, and I’m starting to understand what it costs.
The Wait Between Our Phone Calls
Their house phone was answered on the first ring; I thought they were just quick. But then I found out they were right next to the phone. A grandchild might call, and one did, about once a month. Now I hear my phone and I lunge like a woman half my age, hoping it is a small correspondent with nothing much to say.
How Big Our Small Gifts Felt
They acted like we had donated an entire library when we drew on a piece of paper, made macaroni art, or gave them a “weed bouquet.” They appreciated every little thing we did to the point where they turned the refrigerator door into a permanent art gallery. I get so many pieces of ‘priceless dandelion art’ that I get to show off and display. A grandchild’s handmade anything is the strongest currency I have ever held.
Grace with the Picky Eater
One cousin ate nothing but buttered noodles for six straight years, and my grandmother made them without comment, every single visit. Alongside the feast sat one small private pot. I understood it as spoiling. It was actually hospitality at its highest level, meeting people where they are instead of where you wish they were. My stove now hosts a small pot of its own.
You’ll Understand Someday Was a Promise
It was their answer to half of our questions, and it annoyed me. Why do you cry at hymns, why do you take naps in the chair, why do you grow more tomatoes than you can possibly consume? They weren’t dodging the questions. They were providing me with a delivery date for the answers, and they were correct, because it all did arrive when it was supposed to.
The Window Watching
There was always one final goodbye wave completed after the driveway goodbye from the front window. This was slightly embarrassing to me as a child. Now I am the figure in the window, watching taillights until the corner, one hand up. You watch until they are out of sight because it is the last sip of the visit, and nobody ever taught us to waste anything.
Loving Us Without Managing Us
They kept their comments on our hair, majors, boyfriends, and tattoos in a drawer. What they said instead of this was tell me all about it. I thought they just ignored me until I learned they noticed everything. They chose to connect over controlling. This is the hardest discipline in the entire family arts.
Their Marriage Was a Masterclass
I assumed the bickering over directions and thermostats was just what older couples did. I never noticed him bringing her coffee fixed just how she liked it, or her saving him the crossword. Fifty years of small kindnesses were happening in plain sight, disguised as routine. My husband brings me coffee now, fixed exactly right, and I finally see the whole curriculum.
The Table Always Had Room
More kids, friends-of-friends, or that one friend who had a not-so-great home. Their table absorbed it all without a ripple. Plates magically appeared, and portions shrank invisibly. I used to think the table was big. The table was quite average. The real skill was in the capacity of the welcome. I have since learned how to stretch the limits of hospitality as I have learned how to stretch soup for last minute guests.
How Much They Gave Away Invisibly
At my grandmother’s funeral, people said how she helped them by giving them rides or meals or money. This was new info to all of us. I guess they never mentioned it at home. Generosity was a private practice for that generation, done for its own sake and logged nowhere. I try to give that way now, and I have found it is the receipt-free giving that feels most like grace.
They Memorized Us
My grandfather had the memory of a photograph. He could recite my batting average, my best friend’s name, and the exact plot of my rambling third grade story, years later. I thought old adults just remembered things. I later learned he was studying something in an almost precious way. I can now recite four grandkids’ teachers, allergies, and dreams and for some strange reason I don’t have the best memory now. Attention is love, wearing its work clothes.
The Way They Said Our Names
I have never heard my name said like it was good news, except from my grandmother. Now I have said it the same way when I call my grandchildren by name. Now I understand what that sound is. That sound is from someone who prayed for you before you even existed. There is no substitute for it, and when it is gone, you hear its absence for the rest of your life.
