My husband was the one to point out the changes. Somehow, I missed that my grandchildren were no longer happy to see me, that visits didn’t last as long as they used to, that conversations consisted mainly of monosyllables, and that there was now a phone on the table. Instead of complaining, I sat back, took note, and figured out ways to modify my behavior. Some worked. Others, not so much. I kept what worked and tossed the rest. Here’s what I learned this year about interacting with teenage grandchildren.
Text the way they text
I’ve discovered the trick to getting my grandkids to text back. Keep it short, short, short.
I’ve been texting now instead of calling and at first I’d write them a paragraph. They didn’t write back. I observed that when they texted each other it was a sentence at most, no greetings, sometimes just an image. So I took a photo of the tomato plant on the porch and sent that with no message. Within the minute I got a reply, is that tomato ready?
Rule: write them a sentence, or send a picture instead of a question. Then your message requires nothing of them, yet gets a response.
Ask about something specific
I’ve been asking specific questions: How’d your chem test go? How is your friend handling the fact that his family is moving? What do you think of the pizza they’re serving in the cafeteria? Those questions get an answer.
Over the year, I learned that fine was the best I was going to get if I asked How’s school?.
Ask specific questions about things you know are going on in their lives. By the way, if all you get is a one-word answer, don’t think it’s a brush-off. Teenagers are busy. As long as you get an answer, the door is open. Don’t take it personally.
Show up and let them set the distance
Go to their band concert if you can. Every one. Sit in the back and don’t wave. And afterward, don’t run up and grab them for hugs and kisses. Stand close by and wait. Sometimes, they’ll come up and hug you. Other times they’ll nod and give you a terse, “Thanks for coming.” Both responses will be fine. My husband found this part more difficult for him than it was for me. Be available, be there, but let them decide how close to stand and how much affection to offer. But oh how much sweeter that affection when they decide to share it with you.
Let them be the teacher
Another idea: ask them to teach you something. Last year, I couldn’t figure out how to make a video call on the phone. One of my grandchildren spent hours on my couch patiently teaching me how to use the feature and programming my contacts.
Ask them something. During a trip, I asked about the band they were listening to. Over the following week I listened to the whole album. Next time we were driving, we talked about one of their songs and the trip went by quickly.
Ask your teen for lessons. Find out about something they enjoy. Then find out more and demonstrate your interest.
Cook together and keep their snacks
During the year, they came for dinner on most Sundays. Instead of me deciding what we’d be eating, they helped plan and prepare meals. Some turned out better than others, though the dumplings weren’t very successful but provided hours of entertainment and laughter. The chili was wonderful.
We all know what makes a grandchild happy, which is their favourite snacks in Grandma’s cupboard. Some may be a bit unusual but they’ll be glad you know what makes them happy. Cooking together, especially if they can decide what to make, and having their favourite snacks in the pantry helps grandparents and teenage grandchildren bond.
Drive and let the car be quiet
There was one year that I volunteered to take the grandchildren anywhere they needed to go when the adults couldn’t take them. It included jobs, practices, friends’ houses. At first I had a list of questions for them. Those rides were very tense. Eventually, I started taking them and said nothing. Just me, them, and the radio.
One grandchild decided to share an issue he was having with his coach. If I’d been asking questions I would never have learned that problem existed. Teens will talk if you give them an opportunity and don’t make them maintain eye contact and feel obligated to talk.
Keep what they tell you
One evening, one of them told me about a fight that she’d gotten into with one of her closest friends. As we talked about it, I knew that this was one of those private teenaged issues. It was not a situation that involved safety. It was an issue that needed to stay confidential.
I asked her if it would be OK to check on her in a few days to see how she was doing and she agreed. By then, the issue had blown over and they were OK. By not mentioning it to her parents, I think that I earned some trust. Because of that conversation, she felt free to come to me with other issues.
Unless there is a situation involving safety issues, resist the urge to tell your children what your teenage grandchildren are telling you. Trust is built on things you don’t share.
Stay quiet about hair and clothes
One of my grandchildren colored part of her hair a color I’d never seen on a head of hair before, and another wore the same hooded sweatshirt every time he visited during one particular year. But I managed to contain any comments I might have had about their sartorial choices and asked them to choose a jacket from a small collection of jackets. They chose one of them and gave a perfectly good reason for their choice. And I thanked them for their sage advice and wore that jacket.
Here’s a pearl of wisdom for dealing with teens. They’ll remember who appreciated their sense of style.
Give real work and allow boredom
And that’s when I realized that I needed to give them real jobs. When they come to stay they haul mulch, bring boxes from the attic, figure out why the printer doesn’t work, which my husband gave up on. Having something to do together, real jobs, brings us all closer and they feel useful.
Let them be bored. Have no plan, nothing to do once they’ve accomplished their tasks. When they’re bored, they have nothing left to do but slow down and talk. And they will. They’ll surprise you.
Send mail and follow up on their dates
Keep a list of important events like exams, driving tests, tryouts, etc. and show you’re paying attention by sending a quick text the morning of, and asking how it went the following night. This may seem like an insignificant gesture, but teens know when somebody is paying attention.
Keep in touch. I had a box of blank cards that I’d write on for each grandchild about once a month. They were simple letters that said hi. Included was a short comment about whatever happened to be going on and sometimes some money. Teens don’t get much in the way of snail mail so an envelope with their name on it gets attention.
Tell old stories and admit mistakes
This past year has been interesting. One of the most entertaining activities has been telling my grandkids stories from my children’s teenage years. They can’t believe their parents were once teenagers themselves, unsure of everything. The broken car story and hidden report card story have been crowd pleasers, and the laughter has been deafening.
Another aspect that made this year’s grandparenting unique has been needing to apologize to one of them for pressuring her about a college visit. I gave a plain apology the next day, with no excuses or justification. That apology meant more than her upset at my breach meant.
Share your own trespass stories. Offer a plain apology if needed.
Keep a standing date and say the words
The same weekend every month I created a regular brunch for them at a particular diner. Some months all of them would attend, others, not all of them. Some months, the primary topic of conversation was what they were going to order for brunch. Regardless, at the end I’d tell them how much I loved them and pay the bill. No return compliment expected.
Advice: Have some type of regular contact with your teen grandkids. Have an easy-to-follow routine, which is easier for everyone. Let them know how much you love them, with no return compliment expected.
Be awake when they stay over
That same year they stayed over with us on occasion. I realized they were talkative in the wee hours so I took advantage of my husband’s early bedtime. I’d be up in the kitchen with the light on having a cup of tea. I’d never call them in but they’d come in for a snack and sit down and we’d chat. Those were the best talks we had all year. Nobody was in a hurry.
TIP: When you have a teenage grandchild over for the night stay up with the light on. Don’t call them in but leave the door open and invite them into your world.
But by the end of the year, they were walking, not running, to my door. They came, stayed, talked.
Connecting with a teenager takes patience and change on the part of the grandparent. Not much of either, and no unusual talent or great expense. But you’ll need them. They’re not going to change for you. Their version of closeness and intimacy is different than it was when they were little, quieter, slower to blossom, but not any less.
