I’ve been watching my granddaughter date, and I often feel like I need a translator. She has been talking to someone for three months and as far as I know, no one has been on an actual date yet.
I won’t say that everything was great back in my day, because that’s not true. Some things have changed and gotten better, and I will concede that where it is true.
When you put them next to each other, the differences are crazy. Here are twenty-three things I notice in today’s dating compared to how it was done in the past.
Where You Met: The Dance Hall vs the App
We met people at dances, at church, at work, or through a cousin who knew somebody. Your circle vouched for a person before you ever went out, which was its own kind of safety net. Now the meeting happens on an app, between strangers, sorted by photographs. There are more options than we ever dreamed of, and somehow finding one good one seems harder.
Asking Someone Out Took Actual Courage
The boy walked up and looked you in the eye. He was shaking and asked you a question, and everything was on the line. He got rejected in front of people, and you had to experience that. Asking is easier now. It’s a message that took him 40 minutes to write and he can just delete it if it goes poorly. He lost the risk, but I think he lost the courage to do it as well.
The Pickup at the Door vs the Here Text
A date started with a knock on the door and a young man having a word with your father. He walked you to the car, and at the end of the night he walked you back. Now the car sits at the curb and the phone buzzes with a single word, here. I know it is a small thing, but the door was never really about the door.
Meeting the Family Was Step One, Not Step Fifty
You met the parents right away since they were standing in the living room as he was picking you up. Getting family involved in dating was done from the first night, not something you earn after a year. These days it’s common for young people to date for months before meeting anyone in the family. I get the privacy, but the family used to be the background check.
Going Steady vs the Situationship
Everyone recalls that moment when it became official. What was it for you? His ring? His jacket? Everyone found out by Monday. Now there is this long gray zone they call a situationship, where nobody asks and nobody defines anything. My granddaughter spent a year on something that never even got a name.
The Two-Hour Phone Call vs the Text Thread
It was great to talk to each other for two hours about nothing and tie up the family phone. You could hear every laugh and every pause and every silence had meaning. Now that same kind of flirting happens over weeks of texts. It is constant contact, yet somehow it is less than one good phone call.
Love Letters vs Messages That Disappear
My husband and I both still have letters from each other that were written over sixty years ago. People used to express their feelings on pieces of paper that they would fold and put in an envelope, and place a stamp on it, only to wait for days on end to get a reply. Now, all those warm feelings are sent electronically via apps or websites to get sent and received in seconds, and can be deleted in an instant. I’m happy that nobody can screenshot my letters, but at least they do exist.
Dressing Up vs Dressing Down
You dressed for a date like it mattered, because it did. Pressed shirt, good dress, shined shoes, even for a milkshake. Now the standard first date outfit looks like what we wore to clean the garage. I am all for comfort, but a little effort tells the other person they are worth some.
A Planned Date vs Wanna Hang Out
A date used to be an event with a plan, dinner at six, the show at eight, home by eleven. Somebody thought it through ahead of time, and the plan itself was part of the courting. Now the invitation is wanna hang out, with no time, no place, and no shape. Planning something is a way of saying you matter, and I miss it on their behalf.
One at a Time vs Talking to Five People
When you were dating someone, you were dating that person, end of story. Even before it was official, being with two people at the same time was a scandal that spread quickly. Now it seems that everyone is talking to multiple people at the same time, and that’s just the way it is. It does seem like a good system, but it also sounds very tiring to me.
The Hard Conversation vs Ghosting
Ending things used to be a much more awkward process. You had to talk to the person, face to face, and tell them you are breaking things off. Everyone knew you owed the person that much. And now, people just disappear. Mid-conversation, people vanish and are never heard from again. And believe it or not, there is a word for it. Ghosting would have gotten a guy talked about in three counties.
Waiting by the Phone vs Watching the Dots
We spent three whole days waiting by a telephone attached to a wall, and the waiting was agony. But when the call finally came, it came with a voice and real intention behind it. Now they watch three little typing dots appear and disappear, and check whether a message was read an hour ago. It turns out the agony never went anywhere, it just got a screen.
The Family Grilling vs No Gatekeepers at All
My father, brothers, and one very scary aunt would check out any boy who came by. It was awkward, but it also automatically eliminated the boys who couldn’t handle the light. Now the kids meet complete strangers without any kind of background check on anyone. They have safety apps and location sharing, but it’s just not the same as an aunt.
One Photo in a Wallet vs a Whole Feed
A guy kept one photo of his girlfriend in his wallet, and over time it became soft and worn at its corners. That single photo was proof of her and a treasure in its own right. Now, they have years of photos of each other before they have their first coffee date. They know way too much about each other before knowing anything at all. A little mystery used to do half the courting.
Googling Them First vs Finding Out Slowly
In the past, we learned about someone through the conversations we had and the romantic connections that developed over time. After months, the person would reveal their history in stories and in their own words. Now, the research is done before even the first date. It includes jobs, family, social media archives, old flames, and past relationships. While this is safer (and I won’t pretend otherwise), it misses all the fun of unwrapping.
Cheap Dates That Cost Effort vs Big Nights That Cost Money
Back in the day, we went to soda fountains, drive-ins, took long walks and even went to church picnics. Those things cost very little, and the effort was what was important. Now it seems like every date requires reservations and some sort of experience worth photographing. The cost has certainly gone up, and I have to wonder if the romance scaled in price as well.
The Breakup Conversation vs the Breakup Text
Getting your heart broken used to at least come with a face and an explanation. It hurt terribly, and it also let you close the door properly. Now relationships end with a paragraph on a screen, or worse, with silence. The old way was harder on the person doing it, which is exactly why it was better.
Marrying at Twenty vs Meeting at Thirty
When I was younger, I remember that many of my friends were getting married before they were even able to rent a car. Some of those marriages were great, and some of them absolutely were not, and the bad ones had no easy out. Today’s younger generations tend to not rush into those major life commitments, and instead focus on themselves first. This is one of the instances where I really think they are doing better than we did.
Long Distance: The Letter vs the Video Call
When my husband was away, I got one letter a week and read it until the paper went thin. Whole seasons of our courtship happened by mail. Now an ocean apart means a nightly video call, faces and all. I will give this round to the modern world without a fight, though I do wish somebody still wrote the letters too.
Jealousy Was One Girl, Not the Whole Internet
There was a time when jealousy was easier to deal with. You could point it at the girl behind the counter who was too friendly with your boyfriend. You knew jealousy and who it was directed at. But now, everyone is competition. An endless stream of people on your phone. I don’t envy young people trying to figure out how to feel secure with this.
Holding Hands in Public vs Posting Each Other Online
When I was younger, going public referred to holding hands on Main Street and letting the whole town do the math. Now going public seems to mean posting a picture together. Apparently there’s soft launches and hard launches. The weird thing is the couple gets announced by a thousand people before the two of them even figure out what they are. We did the defining first and the announcing second.
Advice From Your Mother vs Advice From Strangers
Dating advice came from your mom, your aunts, and that one married friend who kind of knew things. These were people who knew you and would be there for the fallout. Now all of the dating advice comes from people on the internet with nice hair and rules for everything. Some of this advice is okay, but a random person’s rulebook doesn’t know your heart.
What Has Not Changed One Bit
No matter how long I watch, I keep seeing the same old thing. Two nervous people trying to be brave enough to be known, same as 1965. The tools change, the waiting changes, even the words change, but the hope is identical. My granddaughter lights up over this new someone exactly the way I did, and that is how I know we are all fine.
